Two days ago I learned that within just three weeks of dumping me, my husband was back in the arms of a former lover, a woman with whom he had been serious not long before he and I met. I had known of her and had learned that they had reconnected, but I did not realize to what extent.

With this new knowledge, I stand here and look at myself, at him, at our marriage, and I wonder, wtf.

Over these few months since the break-up I have been doing a lot of thinking and self-examination about “what happened” and looking for explanations for the demise of my marriage and exploring my own role in its decay.

But knowing now that my husband (he is legally still married to me) was so quick to leap back into something that he had assured me many times, and under many circumstances, was not only over, but something he had no interest in . . .

Well I guess it helps in some ways, in that I can release some of the blame that I have placed upon myself for the demise of the marriage. Maybe he was enthralled with her all along. Maybe he just wanted to jump her bones and couldn’t get that out of his mind. And maybe, it was neither of those, maybe he’s just an opportunist who saw an opportunity to rekindle a flame–and if that’s the case, the speed at which he did that indicates to me the small level of commitment he had to our marriage.

Is there a polite “mourning” period that civil people adhere to after ending a marriage? I wasn’t so silly as to expect such a thing from my husband. But, I really never expected him to go back to something he had vehemently told me was not only OVER, but also was really not his cup of tea.

I have to tell you, I feel enormously betrayed. I know, I know: what’s the point? He left the marriage, I should expect he would be moving on. But the particular way in which he has moved on just makes me think that he must have been lying to me all along. And THAT feels worse than him ending the marriage.

It has been seven months since my marriage unraveled, and two years since the marriage itself.

It’s been these past seven months that we have stitched our marriage back together. Not fine tailoring mind you, but not a complete hack job, either. I will admit though, that today’s marriage looks distinctly different than it did two years ago.

Yes, it is a new & improved marriage, with more appreciation and forgiveness, with more respect for who and what we are. It fits better and is more reflective of our realities. And, I will say that although I am less “in love”, I am profoundly happier.

We are not the same people we were on 07 07 07 when we married. We have each become more of who we truly are, which of course makes it more possible to have a real and growing relationship. And I think the real and the growing are what please me the most about all this right now.

I cannot say that I am always present and appreciative in each moment, and I must admit that I fall far short of being the spouse that I want to be. But I have learned to make this marriage my utmost priority.

I am not wise about all this. I frequently wake to see a sleeping head on the pillow beside mine, and I marvel, “Whoa. That’s my husband. What does that mean, really?!”

If I am lucky, I will have many more years to find out.