I have a tendency to try and make things better. The impetuses for this are deeply rooted, and of course, contain elements of both normal and unhealthy.
I have always loved being helpful. My earliest memories are dominated by the times I worked with my father, helping him with projects. I did a lot of fetching, of tools, cold Coca-Cola, six- and ten-penny nails. I felt useful and, smart. I felt the thrill of being clever.
I’m sure that at some juncture some of this transferred into a subconscious notion that being helpful would bring me loving attention and appreciation; I can certainly fall into that trap, though it is not my sole motivation.
And there is a second element of my pursuit of better, and it is my inherent ability to see. I just naturally see a “better” way of things–the notions come unbidden. I naturally see: more economical ways to arrange processes; more pleasing ways to arrange things; nuances to nudge to make things more coherent; the invisible “pebbles” which make circumstances more difficult, annoying, or costly–and how to remove them.
So, between the delight I take in being helpful and my propensity for seeing ways to improve a situation, my thoughts can get swept up in pondering ways to make things better.
However, and importantly, most of the time these thoughts are about things that don’t actually affect nor benefit me. Funny, this is something that I have only recently realized.
And once I realized that my thoughts often stray to re-designing or re-arranging or otherwise “improving” something that is–at best–only remotely related to me, I decided I was wasting my resources, and began putting the brakes on when my brain engaged in doing this thing it does naturally.
And then, I began to realize how much of my thinking is used up on “improving” a world that isn’t really mine. Oh, my actions, too. Because I’ll walk through a space and feel compelled to adjust the objects in it–to nudge the planted pot just a little so the arrangement will be more aesthetically charming or redistribute the kitchen utensils so the most popular ones are easy to reach.
Recently, I have spent some time with someone who has a tendency to be helpful–helpful in that “this will earn me attention and appreciation” way. Not helpful in a truly helpful fashion. And this has helped me see how annoying it can be when someone tries to fix things, without being asked to. I mean, sure, perhaps we are improving things, but that’s not the point. Why am I spending my energy improving something I haven’t been invited to?
Anyway, investing my resources in something which doesn’t add quality to my life, and doing so when I haven’t been asked to, just plain adds up to Dumb.
And I don’t like to be dumb.
p.s. none of which is to say that I am not going to be altruistic or caring.
Photo: Hang Nails by Oakley Originals and used with Creative Commons license.
