Obviously I Am Not in Charge

September 20, 2010

Things are not going according to plan. Not that there was much of a plan, but there were some overarching goals. And so far I am far from them. In fact, I just might be falling backwards.

One main point of this whole move to the middle of nowhere was to regain my connection to my capabilities, to redevelop my sense that I am competent and able (which I know that I am, I just have some trouble feeling like I am).

Frankly, the demise of my marriage–the loss of my husband, my home, my way of life–really undermined my feelings of self-assurance and power. I thought I had made good choices and decisions, and when they all came apart I began to doubt myself.

So I moved Eastern Washington with the notion that I would work hard and build my own place on my own land and thereby gain some strength, on many levels.

But, it’s like just the opposite has happened. With one thing and another I’ve lost almost all autonomy, at least it seems so. And I’m shaking my fist at the Universe.

First, the plan to restore the Streamline got back-burnered. It was (temporarily) replaced with the creation of a studio in one of my brother’s buildings. And that’s cool, but.

But then I broke my wrist, which has many consequences, and I’m sure there are good ones, but I’ll just say that things such as moving boxes or trying to use a screw gun are tough to do with one hand.

And then there’s the part about being only barely unpacked, so finding what I need is hit and miss. My brother has an amazing array of tools and materials, but those are organized by some system for which I’ve yet to find the key.

Everything I do is s l o w e d down, if I can do it at all. I frequently must wait to ask for help, or spend time searching for the bits that I need to move things along. Today I swapped out a funky doorknob on the studio and got two curtain rods and sets of curtains installed–and for those I had to get my brother’s help.

So, so far I’m not doing much to gain a sense of strength. I feel more like this loss of autonomy is some giant lesson in being patient, and being okay with needing help. I am not happy about this.

On top of everything, it feels like winter is going to be here any moment; one more layer of s l o w.

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