It is 2:38 a.m. and I have been awake now for about an hour, after not quite three hours of sleep. Pretty much normal for me anymore, to sleep a few hours, wake, rustle around, sleep, wake, rustle rustle.
It’s wearing on me.
And I am feeling sad.
There’s this thing that has been happening for awhile. Two things actually. I will wake, and feel a twisting ache in my chest, and a little voice in me says, “My heart is killing me.” And then, my brain clicks ON and starts recounting the reasons I hate my husband.
I do hate him.
I am sure I will get over it (I hope to god I get over it), but this wrenching pain in my heart fuels the hate, and the mid-night recap of the reasons for my feelings tends to spin me all around, and keep me awake.
I am very sad that this is my state of being as this year comes to a close. I am deeply and mournfully sad.
I am also puzzled at what the little voice says to me: My heart is killing me. I argue with the voice, trying to explain the possible ramifications of repeating a message like this … my heart. killing me.
But for four months the voice has said the same thing.
So I close out the year 2009 in a state of grief and sorrow and hate. Indeed I have a good measure of gratitude, and some shining slivers of love. And the care and love that my friends and family have bestowed upon and bedazzled me with have without a doubt sustained me–literally keeping me alive.
But the core of my being–right now, as we speak–is a burning hole of loss.
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We feel really bad for you Leila. But, until you work beyond the “hate”, you will never be free. You need to learn to let go. You suceeded in destroying your brothers marriage. Perry saw your “true colours” and realized what you really were. Let him go Leila, he did nothing but try to help you while you were together.