Without doubt, the kindnesses of loved ones and strangers have been my salvation these last few months. I know I have talked about this a lot, but it keeps hitting me in new ways, and I am coming to believe that learning so much about this form of deliverance might just be the “point” of the pain I have been suffering.
Yesterday I met with a friend, seeking his advice. He knows me, he knows the law, and he has a kind-hearted but realistic perspective on life and living. My concern right now is, am I doing the right thing. Am I appropriately balancing my heart and my circumstances, e.g., is my rage out of range for what I am going through or am I just living what I need to live?
We talked for a couple of hours, and I wish I had taken notes of some of his wisdom (and his quips). But I remember he spoke of darkness–and of going into the darkness, without harming others. I recognize that as a challenge for me right now; how do I rage-on, without undue harm? His phrasing of it is helping me see that I can consciously design ways to feel and expel my rage.
His framework came on the heels of a package I received in the mail yesterday. You know, I have been hosting this “Mailbox Housewarming” and my guests continue to arrive. Yesterday’s mail brought a collection of CDs, and a sticker, the words of which are
tripped on my shadow and landed in the light
Perfect.
Then last night the topic at my al-anon meeting was the 12th step. This step is about service, which in AA parlance means “giving back”–carrying the gifts of the program to others.
These last three months there have been two people–recovering alcoholics both–who have given me profound support, without which I do not know where I would be today. Just a few days ago one of them was especially tender with me, supportive and generous–and it touched me deeply.
He has had trouble watching me in my struggles and pain; the code of AA restrains him from lecturing or rescuing me; he has had to wait until I asked for the life-ring before he could throw it to me. I can see that better now. And I am grateful for his love.
I am grateful for all the love. And I am looking forward to the day when I am out from under my cloud, and can be once again that distributor of Love&Light that I prefer to be.
Photo: Twelve by Seth Anderson and used with Creative Commons license
