Two days ago I learned that within just three weeks of dumping me, my husband was back in the arms of a former lover, a woman with whom he had been serious not long before he and I met. I had known of her and had learned that they had reconnected, but I did not realize to what extent.
With this new knowledge, I stand here and look at myself, at him, at our marriage, and I wonder, wtf.
Over these few months since the break-up I have been doing a lot of thinking and self-examination about “what happened” and looking for explanations for the demise of my marriage and exploring my own role in its decay.
But knowing now that my husband (he is legally still married to me) was so quick to leap back into something that he had assured me many times, and under many circumstances, was not only over, but something he had no interest in . . .
Well I guess it helps in some ways, in that I can release some of the blame that I have placed upon myself for the demise of the marriage. Maybe he was enthralled with her all along. Maybe he just wanted to jump her bones and couldn’t get that out of his mind. And maybe, it was neither of those, maybe he’s just an opportunist who saw an opportunity to rekindle a flame–and if that’s the case, the speed at which he did that indicates to me the small level of commitment he had to our marriage.
Is there a polite “mourning” period that civil people adhere to after ending a marriage? I wasn’t so silly as to expect such a thing from my husband. But, I really never expected him to go back to something he had vehemently told me was not only OVER, but also was really not his cup of tea.
I have to tell you, I feel enormously betrayed. I know, I know: what’s the point? He left the marriage, I should expect he would be moving on. But the particular way in which he has moved on just makes me think that he must have been lying to me all along. And THAT feels worse than him ending the marriage.
