the rare flying cataclysm

I have been struggling with what to write. I find myself in this space where I just do not understand how I got here, and mostly all I can fathom is to blame myself–for not paying attention or something.

I find myself adrift. I find myself without a dream to follow. I find myself with a heart that is quiet and abstaining from giving me guidance.

Actually, my heart is in shambles–so perhaps it IS trying to give me guidance but all that it can emit is garbled whispers through the bruises.

It has been eight weeks ago that my husband revealed that he was done with our marriage.

I didn’t see this coming. (Which would be the part that starts me blaming myself for not paying attention, or something.) I truly was taken by surprise, and for the last two months I have repeatedly wondered, “How did I end up here?”

The “here” being, of course, abruptly without the life I was living–a life with a husband, a home, a mutual future–zip, poof, gone.

Now, I did know the extent to which I had most of my eggs in one basket. My home, my income, even my vision of my purpose–all strongly tied to my husband. And you know, I didn’t have real qualms with that, it seemed destined and correct. I certainly was not fearful of a cataclysmic rearrangement of my life.

But here I am now, riding on the back of a cataclysm–as if I am straddling some rare winged beast, flying without reins.

And all I seem to be sure of right now, is that the only way to hang on is to let go.

Tagged as: change, dissolution, divorce, love, marriage