I have spent the last 12 days exploring the meaning of life, and pondering where I might be going with mine. It’s been a bit like summer camp. There were coin-operated showers, arts and crafts, fresh vegetables, and plenty of getting lost.
And I’ll just say that I am ready for my merit badge now.
Early in my exploration, I made a simple map. Maps are handy, don’t you think?
I don’t know that this map is going to get me anywhere in particular, but I am happy about the note I made there at the bottom about the realm of The Past: “A place not to dwell.”
Now I don’t know how in the hell I got so far off track that I needed a big, red X. Clearly I needed to take a look at things.
I landed first at the beach, one place where those annoying voices in my head are drowned out by the sound of the sea. I love that. And I buckled down to some hearty, heart-felt writing.
During these first few days I attained several realizations about myself. I saw more about why I have trouble putting Me first. I saw more about my attachment to stuff. I thought a lot about happiness (or the lack thereof) and what can be done about all that. And I pondered my short-comings, faults, and failures.
And then I was off again, to a sweet spot that is brimming with nature, and books. I have been reading, writing, and painting since I arrived. Two books especially caught my attention: “When Things Fall Apart
See, I have been living in fear.
I have been aware of this for quite awhile, and I have been curious about it. And I have seen that it doesn’t just torment me, it represses me. Not good. But, I have not known how to alleviate my fearful feelings.
But I am beginning to see. I am beginning to see a way out, a release–by way of an adjustment of attitude and beliefs.
I can’t quite explain it yet. But it has something to do with maitri (loving-kindness toward oneself) and a lot to do with being fearlessly compassionate about my pain and that of others.
I am being encouraged to remain with my fears and pain, and to get to know them–rather than run away from them. I cannot see what I am afraid of when I am running from it, and it remains a mysterious force haunting me–unchallenged.
As you can see on my map, there are no guideposts between “You Are Here” and “Blue Skies”. I have no idea of what awaits me on my path. But (for now at least), I do not feel afraid of the unknown of it. I feel like I can just let my path unfurl before me, as if it has been waiting to welcome me. I like that.
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