Meet the family

I bought a dress to wear to the family reunion!

Finding the right dress is an accomplishment–something traditional that suits my non-traditional sensibilities. Something that will be attractive but not overtly sexy, something charming but not white-bread. In other words, something neutral yet unique. A challenge, eh?

The Reunion is in September in Missouri and is comprised of my husband Perry’s father’s progeny, and their progeny. I have never met any of them, and in fact, Perry has seen his father, Orlando, only three times.

Perry sometimes says that he was “bought over the backyard fence” and although it smacks of drama, it’s pretty true. Perry’s birth certificate says that he was born February 10, 1960 to Dorothy and Howard Emge. But actually, Perry is the love-child of teen-agers Orlando and Patricia.

Sixteen, unmarried, and pregnant is not a pretty picture for a girl’s future, but Patricia intended to keep her baby. Unbeknownst to Patricia her parents were making other plans with some folks down the street, Howard and Dorothy Emge.

Money changed hands, Perry was born, and Patricia’s parents locked her in a room for the next five days as Perry was passed along to the Emges. Patricia and Orlando were forbidden to ever see each other, and in time they did go on to meet other loves and build new lives.

Fast foward twenty-some years. The Emges are deceased (they were in their fifties when they adopted Perry) and Perry meets Patricia. Another decade passes and he finds Orlando. (There are grand stories about these meetings, and other nearly-missed meetings, but those are for another time.)

Since then, although Perry has developed relationships with Patricia and her other progeny, he has not had the same opportunity with Orlando & company.

This means of course that the upcoming family reunion–from Perry’s perspective–is not really a re-union. Yes, they are all ostensibly “family”–but all he shares with them is DNA; there is no mutual family history, no shared lore, no common experiences.

We are honored to be invited to this gathering. I mean, really. Although his existence was never kept a secret, Perry is the bastard child, appearing in the flesh after everyone is grown. No one needs to include him, really. We wouldn’t even have known there was any reunion. But he has been purposely invited.

So he and I talked about all this. The honor of the invitation, and respecting that. The likelihood that we would feel awkward and uncomfortable at this gathering. The distinct possibility that we would have little in common with the others. Or if we do have common ground, how difficult it will be to discern that in the format of a Family Reunion. But on the other hand we recognize that serious, significant connections coalesce at unpredictable, unforeseen times and places.

After our long chat about unknown families  Perry and I retired for the evening and settled in with a movie. In that way the universe has we unwittingly selected “Cider House Rules”, a tale about children growing up without their “real” parents, and the human quest to understand where we come from (and where we are going). And so we spent another two hours immersed in stories of unplanned children and missing families, the reunion in September in the back of our minds.

We continue to grapple with understanding what is the right thing to do. Do we move aside the barriers that hold us back from going to this reunion and show up at Aunt Mary’s Cafe for the reunion? Or do we opt out?

Tonight we will watch “Antwone Fisher” a movie about someone who doesn’t find his family until he is an adult. In another of those interesting twists, this is the movie that was playing on the plane the day Perry flew out to Tahoe to meet Orlando. Perhaps this film will gel our decision.
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Tagged as: family, love, Missouri, reunion, sex