Day Six – UN-happy anniversary

November 7, 2008

Today, I am the clutter to be cleared.

After less than a week of working with “Soul Coaching”, the truth about my marriage is on the table, and from my husband’s perspective, I need to go.

So of course the good news is that I don’t have to walk through my life with a vague notion that something is amiss, but with no clear information about what is wrong. And, I can stop trying to forge a connection with him–he doesn’t want it, not going to happen.

The bad news. Well. As far as I knew, this marriage was my future. I don’t have a Plan B with specifics of what I want or where I want to go; I thought I was building something here, now, with him.

Not that I was defining my life in terms of him; I really am quite independent and all. But the key elements that (I thought) were to give shape to my future, were entwined with him and our lives emerging together.

At least I don’t feel completely stupid, as if I’ve lived in oblivion for these past months–he’s been quite an actor, covering his true feelings and evading inquiry.

One year and four months of marriage (as of today). Although I now know that for him it was already over quite awhile ago. Wow. Talk about clearing out the clutter.

{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }

Lisa November 7, 2008 at 1:23 pm

Wow, that is really powerful – and brave.

pen* November 7, 2008 at 3:29 pm

it’s hard to know what to say. but your post was raw and honest and i just wanted you to know that my thoughts are with you. and to wish you all the strength you need through this hard time.

Serena November 7, 2008 at 3:40 pm

i am so sorry to read of your marriage ending, however, having been there myself, i can tell you that ‘this too, shall pass’. you will find strengths you never realised you had and, down the track, when you’ve released the pain and emotional baggage, you will look back at this time and see it as a blessing…..a period of ‘soul connection’, breaking free from emotional ties that no longer worked so that you could follow your true purpose in life. know that you are enough.

love, light and peace,
serena

Sherrie St. Cyr November 7, 2008 at 6:43 pm

Maybe you could think of it as clutter voluntarily removing itself from your presence. I pray you will find gratitude for this sooner rather than later. I struggled for 18 years to forge a relationship with a man who really preferred to be left alone. Finally, I left. Sometimes I wonder what more creative and productive use I might have found for all the energy I spent on him.

Planet Shannon November 7, 2008 at 8:04 pm

Wow, what a day. I’ve been there and I hope it ends up being better to know than not know. We’ll be thinking of you.

Jamie November 7, 2008 at 8:22 pm

This sounds like a good time to remember to breathe.

It’s so disorienting when something shows up that is a complete shock and yet somehow makes sense of our experience.

May acting and evasion be cleared from your life.

Hugs,
Jamie

admin November 7, 2008 at 8:32 pm

Thank you everyone for the kind words and thoughts. They mean more to me than you can know.

What!!! an impetus to clear clutter. I am packing as we speak (well, I’ll get back to packing any minute now). I am trying very hard to release each thing that I don’t dearly love.

Rachel November 8, 2008 at 7:03 pm

Holy crap, lady! I have had your blog sitting on my desktop for days now, thinking that I wanted to see what you were up to, so I finally had a moment, refreshed the screen so I could get all the updates, and saw this.

What a huge revelation.

It sounds like an amazing story and that you are looking at your life both as the liver and as an observer, so that you can make wise decisions. It sounds like you are (of course!) sad, but that you are going to be a good caretaker of your own soul.

If you ever want to talk, you know how to find me.

claudia November 9, 2008 at 12:12 pm

Listen to Serena. I´m glad you´re here going through this book with us while this is happening in your life. You are not alone.

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