3:03 a.m. September 13, 2007. I am awake.
3:43 a.m. September 13, 2007. I am still awake.
In the intervening 40 minutes I have realized that: It’s my birthday, my jaw muscles are raw with ache from clenching my teeth, my attitude is askew–pitched toward the unpleasant and negative aspects of my life rather than upon the bodacious beauty that is my world–and, as I understand it, this is the time of year when my focus sets the tone for the upcoming year. Uh, I don’t believe I want a full year of mal-aligned attitude. So now I am VERY awake.
Last week at this time my nephew was complaining about the teacher and the classmates he would have when he got back to school. He’s a fourth-grader, and I am perpetually intrigued at how he views the world. So I was questioning his perspective, and lecturing him that sometimes our circumstances are what they are, and to cope or enjoy them, we have to adjust our attitude. That, in fact, there were things in my own life that were perturbing me but over which I have no control, and that I was therefore trying to adjust my attitude.
Which is all true. However, I’m finding it’s very difficult.
So here I find myself at 3:43 a.m. ruminating on the negative portions of my life, in physical pain because I’m internalizing this crap and storing it in my jaw. And I am wishing that this attitude of mine came with some knob that I could hold between my thumb and fingers and twirl–click, click, click–adjusting to a new perspective. (Maybe it is that easy.)